i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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