Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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