I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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