Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
