I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
