Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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