My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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