I wish life had little blips of pornography
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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