I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i wish my penis had a tongue
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
50% drunk capacity currently
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
