I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
