There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?