Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
