i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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