you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
