I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
