We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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