A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just puked most of my soul out..
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
