all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
