I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
