she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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