We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
