Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
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We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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