as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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