I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
