He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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