I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
