every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
