God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
