I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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