Can i not drive my cunt home
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
