Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
