you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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