How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
