so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
