god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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