turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
