dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
