The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
