I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
