thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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