We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
