Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
