hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
