i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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