tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
