I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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