at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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