Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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