If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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