omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
