Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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