I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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