god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
