The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
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