I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
what day is it and did you see me today?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
