so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
