i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
