maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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