Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
