Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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