I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
