the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
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I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
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Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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